Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

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Some girls are messy eaters, it’s true. They can also make a lot of noise. The noise is quite popular in some quarters, I’ve heard guys say that they get really turned on by an enthusiastic slurping sound.

It makes me giggle. But since I don’t want to appear rude I try to suppress it. But the tremors still ripple through my body. This leads the girl to think I am about to cum so she redoubles her effort which makes me giggle more.

But I digress. For the dribblers salvation is at hand. Now we must be quite fair, cocks can’t be the easiest of things to get in your mouth. It’s also correct to say that, if all goes according to plan, the cock will be contributing more than it’s fair share to the mess.

That’s why the Lickie Dickie is the latest must have accessory for every bedside table. The Lickie Dickie is a strawberry scented, individually wrapped, tissue with a hole in the middle.

Stick your dick through the hole and whoever is gets on the other end will no longer get pubes stuck between their teeth. They will also have somewhere to wipe their chin and spit out your share of the mess, if they are not inclined to swallow, without have to go rummaging under the bed to find the toilet roll that must have fallen there ten minutes earlier.

The Lickie Dickie is available in packs of three, twelve and twenty-four

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Durex have been promoting new Featherlite Elite Ultima a lot recently. How are these different from garden variety Featherlite Ultima I wondered. After their last re-pimping effort I was a tad suspicious. So I called up Ellie and put the matter to her. “Exactly the same,” she said, “just a new box. Bring a pack of each anyway and we’ll compare”

Ellie is a young lady from Shanghai who I’ve been seeing recently. Her clients are ususally businessmen and financial types from around Asia which normally would put her out of my league but she says; “I like to speak English with you and I like big, fat English sausages. I give you good discount.”

I picked up the condoms on the way over to her place. The foil wrapping on the individual pieces confirmed what she had said. Never-the-less she took one away and stretched it, sniffed it, poked it and filled it with water while I took pictures of the boxes. Afterwards she put me on the bed, deftly slipped one onto me and clambered on top. “That’s the old one” she said, giving me a delicious wiggle. Then she jumped off, changed it and repeated the process; “See, just the same.”

Keep doing that circular wiggly thing, I told her, I just want to be sure.

See also: Condom wars

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Okamoto’s new line, the 0.02 Hydro, are being heavily marketed in Hong Kong. These, presumably, are the brand’s response to the Sagami Premium. They are made from polyurethane and have the same specs as the Sagami and, since those had been such a pain in the arse to get on, I had decided not to investigate further.

But then I read on Carnal Nation that a tiny dob of lube can help ease a truculent todger into a tight fitting bag. That, and the advertising on the sides of buses on the subway continually nagging at me caused, me to relent.

They come in shiny, black plastic packaging with gold print. “The real 0.02″ proclaims a red rosette stuck onto the plastic. The individual condoms in matt black wrappers. The girl I’d found to try tham out with looked at them with a critical eye. She unwrapped one and sniffed at the clear polyurethane, odourless. She nodded her approval.

Right at the beginning we had the same problem that I’d had with the Sagamoto so rather than persevere and put a fingernail through it we went for the lube option. I must admit I have grave reservations about getting lube on the inside of a condom. I’ve known some Chinese girls that like to slop the stuff on most liberally. The problem with this is that the lube works it’s way up the shaft and into the top of the condom whereupon it lubricates the condom right off again.

I squeezed out an amount about the size of a pea and lightly massaged it into the head. She had to unroll the condom part way and stretch the opening out to get it over the glans while I held the tip with one hand and the base of my cock with the other. It took all four hands but we got it on. A hit of Viagra had helped ensure the appendage didn’t go into a sulk.

She gave it a cursory blow job and indicated that it tasted alright but I think the exercise was making her quite horny too. She wanted to fuck right away so she hopped on cowgirl style. “Waaah” she said as it slipped in. She worked me for a while and then gave me the most adorable look of surprise.

She buried her face in my neck, pulled me over onto the top and clung tight, thrashing as her orgasm reached its peak. Afterwards, while she was still panting, I knew I had to pull out. She was reluctant to let me go but when I pointed out that the condom was almost off she understood. I could feel it but she couldn’t. As I withdrew it was only the tightness of the opening that had stopped it coming off completely. “Good,” she said, “but dangerous.”

To finish off I used an Okamoto 0.03 latex with aloe lubricant. Latex has much greater elasticity and is definitely more comfortable to wear. I’m not sure if the difference in feel is all that significant, I’ll do a few more A-B comparisons. I must admit I got a bit side-tracked into watching this partner enjoy her orgasm. Certainly if you’re allergic to latex this is the best of the bunch. Though having said that, now that I have a technique for getting them on, it would be worth revisiting the Sagami Premium.

Read: Carnal Nation
See also: The world’s most expensive condom
See also: Condom Vs Condom

“Now let’s see if it fits in here”

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.The Thai government is about to introduce a new penis measuring device to enable it’s male population to find the right sized condoms. The paper tape measures a width of between 49 and 56 millimetres - covering the “Thai penis size standard”, said Dr Somyos Kittimankhong of the Department of Disease Control’s (DDC) anti-Aids division.

“Larger size condoms can slip off or deaden the pleasure during sex, while smaller ones will cause discomfort to wearers. These factors dissuade people from using condoms - which encourages the spread of HIV/Aids,” Dr Somyos told The Nation newspaper.

But condoms cost money to buy and in provinces not many people have a great deal of that stuff to spare so the government has earmarked 200 million Baht (US$6 million) to give out freebies. It’s all part of a campaign called “Condom for All” and is being launched in response to a spike in the number of gay men and sex workers contracting HIV.

Now it’s all for a good cause and it doesn’t do to mock but it does make me wonder if the countryside is going to be filled with lines of farmers waiting to present their willies to efficient looking office ladies for girth checking prior to being furnished with a packet of three.

But to be serious for a moment the Thai government really should talk to some Japanese condom manufacturers about a franchise. The cheaper locally made condoms that are available at the moment are just rubbish and it’s no surprise that no-one wants to use them.

See also: Condom vs Condom
See also:The World’s Most Expensive Condom

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I was in a Seven-Eleven in Hong Kong the other day when I spied what appeared to be a new line of condoms from Durex. “Ultra Thin”, boasted the box. Everything else was in Chinese. I wondered if this was the long overdue product designed to claw back some of the market share won by the Japanese 0.03 models.

It didn’t say anything about how thin the latex really was on the box. Never-the-less I trousered a packet of three and set off in search of someone to try them out with.

It didn’t take long and I was pleased with the girl I found. She was very fair skinned with an impish grin behind a jagged emo-like, lop-sided fringe. She was wearing a short, red, plaid skirt with a white t-shirt which peeled away to reveal small but delicious pale pink nipples.

She betrayed just a hint of chubbiness but was firm and supple. That, combined with a perfectly smooth pussy - a rarity among Chinese girls, made her look quite innocent. Her hands, however, told a different story.

Although she did say mine was the first western cock she had played with she clearly knew a thing or two about cocks in general. Likewise the condoms which, after peeling away the sealed plastic wrapper, turned out to be nothing more than a variety pack of well-known existing models; Featherlite, Featherlite Ultima, and Elite.

Closer inspection of the box did, in fact, reveal what was inside but you would need to read Chinese and preferably with a magnifying glass.

The young lady seemed to sense my disappointment but my mood brightened considerably at the single minded way she set about achieving her own orgasm before allowing me to cum.

She told me she only had a few days before she had to go back to China and I might be the only western cock she was going to see. She wanted it to be really good. “Was it really good?” I asked. She grinned, pushed my face down into her boobs and hugged me tight.

But what of the condoms? Why can’t western manufacturers come up with a condom to rival the quality of the Japanese? Why can’t the Japanese manufacturers produce a condom size suitable for exporting to the west?

The market is waiting.

See also: Condom vs Condom
See also: Condom Capers
See also:The World’s Most Expensive Condom