Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

I heard the sad tale of a man fapped his way off this mortal coil while surfing porn on the internet. Heart attack apparently though it wasn’t known if it happened mid-stroke or if it was triggered by the realisation of a sticky nirvana. Either way sitting at the kitchen table with your laptop open and your pants around your knees is a rather undignified way to go.

That story, which was revealed in the pub the other evening, was followed by other yarns about guys in Bangkok who have met their doom by overdosing on Viagra. I find those stories less believable. There is no benefit to pumping extra Sildenafil into your blood, once you have a stiffy that is it. You’re not going to grow a second cock no matter what.

It can affect people that have a pre-existing heart condition, that’s why it’s a good idea to see the Doc. But it’s more likely that their heart attacks were triggered by over exertion. I must admit, having your dick shoved up a pussy and your face buried in voluptuous boobies, is a far more agreeable place to breathe your last.

I hope when my time comes it will be cumming with a girl like Mai Ly here.

A French court has banned the use of the name ‘The Original Condom from Condom, France’. According to AFP the judges ruling states “It is clear that the use of the name, the image and the renown of the town of Condom, without its knowledge, for entirely commercial ends (is) manifestly illicit.”

The condoms in question are produced by royal descendant Charles-Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme and count Gil de Bizemont. But while their company is headquartered in Condom, the luxury, eco-friendly shagging-bags themselves are made in Malaysia and sold mostly to the US.

The condoms are sold via the companies website but are not available in Condom itself or anywhere else in France.

Website: The Original Condom
See also: Fit for a King
See also: Condom Wars

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If one wishes to live like a king but one is not born with the financial resources to do so, it is gratifying to know that at least one can now fuck like a king. To facilitate this one need only invest five British pounds in a packet of three Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction. Launched to commorate the betrothal of Prince William of Wales to Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.

“Combining the strength of a prince,”reads the box, “with the sensitivity of a princess-to-be, Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction promise a royal union of pleasure and style”

According to the website Crown Jewels uses “…only the finest lubricatory preparation with each condom individually wrapped for your pleasure and convenience…” Elsewhere it says “… Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction is dedicated to furnishing the best English prophylactics to discerning clientele across the world.”

They do look very regal in their nice puple box with gold lettering and a picture Willy and Kate making sheeps eyes at each other. Problem is they don’t work. A disclaimer on the site reads “Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”

I suppose if you’re the future king one doesn’t have to worry about that sort of thing. One might have to do spot of public billing and cooing for the press rabble but one has a valet to do the messy stuff.

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Some girls are messy eaters, it’s true. They can also make a lot of noise. The noise is quite popular in some quarters, I’ve heard guys say that they get really turned on by an enthusiastic slurping sound.

It makes me giggle. But since I don’t want to appear rude I try to suppress it. But the tremors still ripple through my body. This leads the girl to think I am about to cum so she redoubles her effort which makes me giggle more.

But I digress. For the dribblers salvation is at hand. Now we must be quite fair, cocks can’t be the easiest of things to get in your mouth. It’s also correct to say that, if all goes according to plan, the cock will be contributing more than it’s fair share to the mess.

That’s why the Lickie Dickie is the latest must have accessory for every bedside table. The Lickie Dickie is a strawberry scented, individually wrapped, tissue with a hole in the middle.

Stick your dick through the hole and whoever is gets on the other end will no longer get pubes stuck between their teeth. They will also have somewhere to wipe their chin and spit out your share of the mess, if they are not inclined to swallow, without have to go rummaging under the bed to find the toilet roll that must have fallen there ten minutes earlier.

The Lickie Dickie is available in packs of three, twelve and twenty-four

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Durex have been promoting new Featherlite Elite Ultima a lot recently. How are these different from garden variety Featherlite Ultima I wondered. After their last re-pimping effort I was a tad suspicious. So I called up Ellie and put the matter to her. “Exactly the same,” she said, “just a new box. Bring a pack of each anyway and we’ll compare”

Ellie is a young lady from Shanghai who I’ve been seeing recently. Her clients are ususally businessmen and financial types from around Asia which normally would put her out of my league but she says; “I like to speak English with you and I like big, fat English sausages. I give you good discount.”

I picked up the condoms on the way over to her place. The foil wrapping on the individual pieces confirmed what she had said. Never-the-less she took one away and stretched it, sniffed it, poked it and filled it with water while I took pictures of the boxes. Afterwards she put me on the bed, deftly slipped one onto me and clambered on top. “That’s the old one” she said, giving me a delicious wiggle. Then she jumped off, changed it and repeated the process; “See, just the same.”

Keep doing that circular wiggly thing, I told her, I just want to be sure.

See also: Condom wars

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Okamoto’s new line, the 0.02 Hydro, are being heavily marketed in Hong Kong. These, presumably, are the brand’s response to the Sagami Premium. They are made from polyurethane and have the same specs as the Sagami and, since those had been such a pain in the arse to get on, I had decided not to investigate further.

But then I read on Carnal Nation that a tiny dob of lube can help ease a truculent todger into a tight fitting bag. That, and the advertising on the sides of buses on the subway continually nagging at me caused, me to relent.

They come in shiny, black plastic packaging with gold print. “The real 0.02″ proclaims a red rosette stuck onto the plastic. The individual condoms in matt black wrappers. The girl I’d found to try tham out with looked at them with a critical eye. She unwrapped one and sniffed at the clear polyurethane, odourless. She nodded her approval.

Right at the beginning we had the same problem that I’d had with the Sagamoto so rather than persevere and put a fingernail through it we went for the lube option. I must admit I have grave reservations about getting lube on the inside of a condom. I’ve known some Chinese girls that like to slop the stuff on most liberally. The problem with this is that the lube works it’s way up the shaft and into the top of the condom whereupon it lubricates the condom right off again.

I squeezed out an amount about the size of a pea and lightly massaged it into the head. She had to unroll the condom part way and stretch the opening out to get it over the glans while I held the tip with one hand and the base of my cock with the other. It took all four hands but we got it on. A hit of Viagra had helped ensure the appendage didn’t go into a sulk.

She gave it a cursory blow job and indicated that it tasted alright but I think the exercise was making her quite horny too. She wanted to fuck right away so she hopped on cowgirl style. “Waaah” she said as it slipped in. She worked me for a while and then gave me the most adorable look of surprise.

She buried her face in my neck, pulled me over onto the top and clung tight, thrashing as her orgasm reached its peak. Afterwards, while she was still panting, I knew I had to pull out. She was reluctant to let me go but when I pointed out that the condom was almost off she understood. I could feel it but she couldn’t. As I withdrew it was only the tightness of the opening that had stopped it coming off completely. “Good,” she said, “but dangerous.”

To finish off I used an Okamoto 0.03 latex with aloe lubricant. Latex has much greater elasticity and is definitely more comfortable to wear. I’m not sure if the difference in feel is all that significant, I’ll do a few more A-B comparisons. I must admit I got a bit side-tracked into watching this partner enjoy her orgasm. Certainly if you’re allergic to latex this is the best of the bunch. Though having said that, now that I have a technique for getting them on, it would be worth revisiting the Sagami Premium.

Read: Carnal Nation
See also: The world’s most expensive condom
See also: Condom Vs Condom