Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

Call me old fashioned but I’ve never been into really hard core porn. If I’m going to fantasise about girl I don’t want to see some other bloke’s dick thrusting in and out. I want to see my dick. Now I know I’m supposed to imagine it’s my dick in the picture or movie but I that doesn’t work for me. My dick wouldn’t pull out and spray cum all over her face.

I’ll come in her mouth and I’ll cum in her pussy. If I’ve had to pull out because we’ve been risking it I’ll come in her hands, on her tramp stamp or sometimes all over the bed sheets. Though I haven’t needed to do that since I had the snip and besides my current lifestyle dictates I bag it up on a regular basis. But I do like a cuddle afterwards and if her face is covered in spooge, even mine, it rather puts me off.

I have plenty of other fetishes mind you. I quite like being pee’d on and I love girls with unusual contrasts. Black girls with blonde hair, Chinese girls with Scottish accents, any kind of girl in coloured wigs. I enjoy 50-year old MILFs as well as 20-year old babes.

But variety is the spice of life and there are plenty of people out there that do like the money shots so if you’re one of them, these three bukake babes are for you.

See also: A bit of rough stuff

According to some commentators the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. The Mayans said so, they bleat. The Mayan’s world actually came to an end over a thousand years ago so we can’t ask them for an update. Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon church reckoned that Jesus would return to Earth by 1891 after which the End of Times would begin. Pat Robertson claimed it was going to end in 1982 but he’s still out there talking shit. And last year Harold Camping said May … and then October.

I think it’s all a load of bollocks. In a world of celebrity obsession and reality TV they are just sad gits resorting to desperate measures to grab their fifteen minutes.

But just in case I’m going to see that I get as much fucking and wanking in as I possibly can. Happy New Year

I know a girl who has a goldfish on her right shoulder. “It’s not finished yet!” she pleaded when I asked if I could take a picture of it. And when are you going to get it finished? She told me the next time she goes back up country and has enough money to pay for it.

Tattoos can get quite expensive. This one covers almost all of her right shoulder and is intended to spread all the way down her back incorporating several more fish. The goldfish as a symbol is intended to attract wealth and harmony in both business and personal affairs.

I told her that when she got it finished I would pay her good money to pose nude and show it off. “You give me money I go get it finished tomorrow.” I told her that if I gave her that kind of money she would have to have more than the tattoo artists needle stuck into into her. “Deal!,” she beamed and we sealed it with a high five.

Childish I know but I can’t help but snigger everytime I pass one of these. This one is staffed by two delicious bits of crumpet. Sadly they think I’m only interested in their lemon meringue and egg custards. Little do they know that I dream of eating their muffins.

Contrary to popular belief not all air hostesses are gagging for it the moment they get off the plane. In fact very few are. But for a fellow who finds himself working in some pretty sexually inhospitable places sometimes it is either a trolly dolly or a camel, the natives are out of bounds.

I’ve been seeing a Filipina hostess. She’s married but we both agreed that this was a no commitment affair. But inevitably the conversation rolls around.

“Would it have been any different,” she asks, “if I’d met you before.” Before what I ask. “You know, a long time ago.”

It would have been very different I assure her, you wouldn’t have liked me then. “Why do you think that?” she asks. Because I was the same then as I am now and you would have had no interest in a discreet, no commitment affair. I pointed out that it was perfectly normal to feel bored and lonely when her work kept her away from home. But that if she was unhappy at home she must deal with it without the clutter of another person clouding her judgement.

She told me everything was fine at home but she worried about me. There’s no need, I told her, I’ve come this far alone I’m sure I can make it the rest of the way. She seemed somehow reassured.

She had an early morning flight next day and I left a few days later. I’m still not sure if she was breaking up with me or trying to propose. She has my e-mail address but she hasn’t contacted me since. Probably for the best.

Here’s a trio of delicious, brown shaved pussies. Why? Because they are trio of delicious, brown shaved pussies. What other reason could you need? Oh all right, they are called Emelie, Maya, and Janelyn.