Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

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I first encountered Yadong some years ago in Bangkok since then I’ve been very careful to avoid it. But the other evening I met a compatriot of mine who was tucking into a bottle with all the enthusiasm of someone who has never tried it before. The bottle didn’t say Yadong, it had the label of a well known energy drink. Not a big bottle but big enough.

He offered me a shot. I asked the barman, a man who I’ve known for sometime, what he thought was in it. “Lao kao and some Chinese herbs and medicine.” he replied.

“It’s got snakes and scorpions and bat’s dick!” Interjected the girl who was working alongside him.

“No it hasn’t,” he laughed, “they only say that to farang (foreigners)”

“You don’t know for sure.” she insisted. It was true he didn’t.

Lao kao is a locally and probably illegally made rice whiskey. Commercial variants would include Mekhong and Sang Som but what the locals call lao kao is produced at village level.

It starts off as a milky white rice wine called satoh. This is cheap and plentiful around the villages of north-east of Thailand. It’s also very easy to make. Cooked rice is mixed with a mold called pang satoh and left to ferment in an urn called a hai. The finished brew is sweet and pleasant tasting. Traditionally the family would drink directly from the hai by means of a bamboo straw.

Lao kao is distilled satoh. It doesn’t taste so good to an untrained palette. Thais get around this by mixing it with flagons of Coke or soda.

Another alternative is Yadong. This involves dunking a cheesecloth containing additional ingredients into it and leaving it to soak for a few days. The result is not just another liqueur it is medicine! Yadong is frequently billed as possessing rare magical properties that can deal with almost any distemper you happen to be afflicted with.

What those additional ingredients might include no one seemed to know. A tour pharmacies around Bangkok’s Chinatown revealed only that there are probably as many recipes as there are problems in the world. They are all trade secrets but if you drink enough of it your problems will magically disappear. For a while at least.

Yadong is served in a shot glass and a popular accompaniment is sour green mango slices dipped in a mix of sugar and dried chilli. The mango is really quite good.

As for snakes and scorpions and bat’s dicks, well, why not?. Just down the road from the bar a stall was selling deep fried grasshoppers, maggots and beetles. In parts of Cambodia tarantula is a delicacy. The Chinese believe that the blood and gall bladder of snakes, preferably cobra, is a powerful aphrodisiac. I saw this up close in Taipei’s notorious snake alley before it was cleaned up (I think the adjacent red light district is still there).

I accepted the shot. It tastes good but I refuse the second. “Go on,” he says “this stuff costs next to nothing.” Aye, I think, say that in the morning when you are suffering the mother of all hangovers.

See also: Bar snacks in Bangkok

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Ladyboy lovers will be pleased to note that there is an all new ladyboy site, Katoy Asia, for you to drool over. The pictures will all be exclusive, shot specifically for the site.

Membership is $24.95 for 30 days or there is a 7 day trial option for $9.95.

I haven’t had a chance to have a look around yet but first impressions are good. Take a look at this gallery and see for yourself.

Visit: Katoy Asia

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The last time I went in for supplies my condom man in Hong Kong had some Sagami 0.02 Premium in stock. “Said to be the best condoms ever,” he assured me, “made with the best quality materials.”

The line was unleashed onto the Japanese market last Valentines day dressed in a sleek little black number with gold blocking. Each condom is encased in it’s own little blister pack with a peel off top not unlike those little portions of butter you get on airplanes.

At 0.02mm thick they are certainly the thinnest and at HK$40 (US$5.16) each they are the most expensive. They come in packs of four but he’s willing to sell singly. I bought two and, because I’m a good customer, he also gave me the packaging.

The first attempt to use one didn’t go too well. I’d tried that evening but the partner I’d chosen was a student from mainland China down on a four week visa to fill up the bank account.

I hadn’t checked beforehand but these are made with polyurethane, they don’t have the elasticity of latex and they were designed for the Japanese market. We couldn’t get the damn thing over the head of my dick and, in the effort of trying, she put her fingernail through it. Polyurethane maybe stronger than latex but it is no match for a well manicured index finger

I decided to save the second one for my favourite masseuse in Bangkok, her hands are possessed by celestial beings. She can bring most men to an orgasm within minutes … but she doesn’t. She gets you almost there and then leans over and whispers “You want special?” Trust me, you cannot say no.

If anyone was going to get it on it would be her. I told her right at the beginning of the session that they were the most expensive condoms I’d ever seen. She was impressed and flattered. She treated me to an excellent bath and body massage before turning me over and starting work on my dick.

I should point out that I am perfectly capable of putting condoms on myself but in the heat of battle it’s good to have someone do it who is in a good position to check for wrinkles. She usually gets condoms on with such ease that you almost don’t notice. Not so this time. She got it over the head but it was so tight the old todger wilted in protest. And this was after a precautionary Viagra.

She removed the condom, nursed some life back into the truculent appendage and had another go. She pulled it over the glans and then put the glans in her mouth for safe keeping while she unrolled the rest of it. She worked the blow-job for a few seconds until she was sure I had a good stiffy before sliding up and trying to guide it into her pussy.

Unfortunately, while the blow-job felt pretty good, I could feel the condom squeezing all the time and as soon as she took me out of her mouth I started to go floppy again. We managed partial penetration but gave up in fits of laughter. We hugged for a while and finished off with a regular condom.

“No good” she pronounced as she transferred the debris to the waste bin afterwards. I’ll reserve my judgement until they come out with a larger size.

See also: Condom capers
Oh and those cute Japanese lesbians

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Paddy’s in Jalan Legian was the site of one of the 2002 Bali bombings. In defiance the bar, and its customers, moved a few doors up the road and carried on rocking. Today it is the probably the most happening place in all of Kuta.

Its also about the only place where you can pick up local girls despite the recently updated Lonely Planet guide’s assurances that most of the more raucous places attracted girls who were “looking for for a friend”. In my experience that was not the case. Maybe there had been a crackdown recently, who knows, prostitution is illegal after all. But if there had been nobody told the girls at Paddy’s.

There is certainly no shortage of raucous bars and discos but it seemed to me that in most places the girls were European and Australian and were looking to pick up bronzed and muscle-bound surfer dudes.

Good for them I say but in the past I’ve enjoyed some very happy times over in the nation’s capital, Jakarta and I was keen to renew my acquaintances with one of Asia’s best kept secrets, Indonesian Girls. And Paddy’s was clearly the place to do it.

From the street it looks pretty uninteresting but the place has a certain tardis like quality. The first thing you see when you arrive is a large long bar but as you pass through the entrance way a huge expanse of dance floor opens up to the right.

Bali’s nightlife starts late and if you go much before midnight there won’t be very many people around.

After midnight the first thing you see when you enter is a flock of those ladies looking for friends. Some of them are career hookers, some are just out for a good time, while others still are trying to earn enough cash to pay their way through college. They are all friendly. Buy one a drink, have a dance and who knows you may find one, as I did, to while away a few balmy days up in Ubud. The islands cultural heart.

See also: She supersized me
See also: A song and dance