Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

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I picked up some Viagra in Hong Kong. It’s easy enough to get in Bangkok but not all that cheap. In Hongkers it’s cheaper but there is, I’m told, a greater risk from fakes. “Taste it”, I was told “if it tastes bitter it’s the right stuff, if there is no taste it’s fake.

So this afternoon I cracked open a box, pushed one out of it’s blister pack and gingerly nibbled the corner. If you’ve ever tasted an aspirin you’ll know how bad these things can taste. I couldn’t taste a thing. I took a larger nibble, still nothing. Starting to feel rather peeved I threw the rest of the tablet in my mouth and crunched it up angrily … yeeeuch! it was disgusting.

Ten minutes later I was standing on the sky-train opposite a rather delicious looking shop girl. She didn’t know it but the tent pole in the trouser department was rock solid and demanding attention. I was desperately counting the stations to the Darling Massage Parlour, I was going to need a couple of their little brown fucking machines.

The lesson of this story is that if you chew up your viagra it gets into your dick much quicker. Just keep some fruit juice handy to get rid of the taste.

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Captain Outrageous is one of Asia’s leading ladyboy photographers. He has lived in the region for donkey’s years and has been involved in the ladyboy scene since long before the advent of the internet and digital cameras. We got together over a case of Beerlao and had a bit of a chat.

Captain, how many boob jobs do you think you’ve sponsored over the years?
Three and a half! In each case I have paid up for someone I cared about. In one case there was a distinct possibility that the ladyboy in question would have been passed A1 for drafting into the military. Up to 10 percent of 18-year-old Thai youths are selected each year for two years’ military service.

She was terrified at the possibility, and nearly fainted with happiness when I offered her the boob job. Extreme feminacy is about the only way out of being drafted ‘ the army isn’t big on troops with tits. The half, by the way, was for a ladyboy who only had 50 percent of the cost of the operation. I told her she would look silly with one tit, so I gave her the balance as a birthday present.

You’ve been involved in the ladyboy scene in Asia longer than most, long before there was any such thing as the internet. How did it begin for you?
I was a young journalist on my first ever trip to the Far East, to Singapore. I was with a small group of other people, and we were met at the airport and taken out for the night. We went to Newton Circus for some hawker food, and then one of the local people suggested a visit to Bugis Street. None of us had heard of the place or its reputation, but anywhere that sounded like Boogie Street had to be fun.

Old Bugis Street

We arrived and sat at a small table. The place was packed. I was tired, drunk and jet-lagged after the 14-hour flight. Probably the best state to be in to witness what came next, for at about midnight, out of the shadows and the sidestreets, came these gorgeous creatures. They looked to me like delicious oriental girls, and there seemed to be an endless number of them.

If there were women seated at the tables, they would pose for photographs. Where there were only men, they would sit down and whisper in your ear such dirty things! I had no interest in men, and in fact I was married. But I felt hot with excitement, the kind of rush you feel when you are an adolescent getting to know girls for the first time. I didn’t really understand what they were, but I knew that I desperately wanted to find out.
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Now I know what it feels like to be a christmas tree, to have something cute and colourful dangling off every branch. I’d asked four bargirls, since the bar was going to be closed for the election, to come and dance naked in my living room. They’d agreed because it was the only way they were going to be earning any money that night.

I got in a case of Beerlao and a couple of bottles of tequila in anticipation. They arrived an hour late with one extra lady in tow. They also brought an enormous amount of som tam, a ferociously spicy green papaya salad, and loads of other foody-snacky things. They helped themselves to tequila’s, sprites, tucked in and generally made themselves feel at home.

They also took great delight in feeding me. They know that I like spicy Thai food but still, they never seem to get tired of spooning som tam into me. I think they are secretly disappointed, they want to see me run around the room in panic and try to douse the flames with enormous quantities of beer. But I really like spicy food, especially som tam.

It was while I was being fed that one of the girls found my mor lam cd’s. Mor lam is a musical style from the north east of Thailand. It is rooted in folk traditions but the modern version is electric and is popular all over Thailand. She whipped out the cd that was playing and put it in and pressed play.
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There will be no booze in Thailand on Sunday. This sometimes happens on Royal or Religious holidays but usually on the stroke of midnight the beer starts flowing again. It also happens during elections and there is one of those in Thailand this weekend. But this time the beer wont start flowing until Monday morning. Which isn’t very useful if you are a bar owner or a bargirl, it all means money not earned.

Last Friday and Saturday were dry too, this was preliminary vote held for those who could not get back to their home province in order to cast their ballot. It was horrible. There were a few bars open but all they could sell you was coke and bottled water. Now that is not want you want on the last weekend before Christmas.

This Sunday it’s the main election day and I have taken precautions. I have two cases of Beerlao, two bottles of tequila and a Santa hat. I have also made an agreement with four dancing ladies from a popular bar in Soi Cowboy for them to come round and dance naked in my apartment for really quite moderate fee. I even have a pole for them to dance around ahem hem hem.

Click on Lily to see some movie clips, click HERE to see a gallery of pictures, click the little ad on the right to visit her very own web site.

CLICK HERE for more free porn

Well it’s been pretty quite this last week or so. Largely because I’ve been watching European footy. But the only thing to smile about there was singer Tony Henry’s interpretation of the Croatian national anthem.

Mr Henry is not a native Croat speaker but such trifling details mean nothing to him. Instead he poured all his heart and soul into the anthem and sang loud and strong to 80,000 football fans; “My dear, my penis is a mountain.”

The last line of verse two had been mistranslated. At the time only the Croatian team noticed and it inspired them sufficiently to knock England out of the European Championships.

Janet Jackson and tit

It was probably the best stadium blunder since Janet Jackson revealed her nipple bling. Henry said “If I have offended any Croatians, they have my deepest apologies.” Fotrunately he didn’t show them his nipples so I don’t think he has much to worry about.

Noi Kanya isn’t Croatian, she’s Thai. The Thai word noi means ‘little’ and little Noi Kanya is the star of her her own website. That’s her on the right looking all cute and shaggable.

It’s a new site. If you click on the picture you can see some more pictures from that set. She doesn’t have to sing a national anthem to make you stand up.

The Safari Bar in Patpong is one of the few bars that has kept its name over the years. I like the Safari Bar. I like the name. The idea of being on a kind of sex safari appeals to a twisted degenerate such as myself.

Of course sitting in the Safari isn’t so much like bagging wild game in the bush, it’s more like shooting ducks in a tub. But who really cares about such niceties when you have a cold beer in one hand and a hot babe, who just happens to be trying to shove her tits in your ear while grabbing you cock, in the other.

I was in the Safari the other night. High season in Bangkok seems to be considerably lower this year and there just weren’t enough customers to go round. Oh goody!

The girl was actually behind pressing her tits into my back, I had my left elbow on the stage where another girl was dancing. The girl on the stage was a real hottie, I’d forgotten what the one behind me looked like but I knew she was alright - and she was squeezing my dick. (continues here.., more pics too…)

I’ve received numerous e-mails asking me about Thai massage. There appears to be some confusion as to what it really involves. Of course my first answer to that is go and experience it for yourself.

Now I’m sure you’ve all seen those books that have titles like “Five people you must do before you die”? Well, a Thai masseuse is two of them.

But before we get ahead of ourselves lets clear up the confusion. There are basically three types of massage that you can indulge in:

1. Thai traditional massage. Traditionally Thais are very conservative, nothing doing on the nookie front but the massage is quite good.

2. Herbal massage. You can smell the heady vapours as you walk past. Linger around outside for a minute or two and you’ll be able to clear your blocked nose. Rub that stuff on your dick and you’ll be joining the legions of exotic dancers in no time. That said, I have found a herbal massage parlour that offered me a two girl option over two hours with things like tea oil and coconut butter rubs as opposed to things that smell like Vick’s vapour rub. Nope I haven’t tried yet but it is only a matter of time. Check back often

3. Body massage. Ah now we are talking. Body massage or sometimes called soapy massage can take two forms. In some parlours there are extra large bath tubs that will (continues here.., more pics too…)