Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

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I’ve been working on a review of popular condoms recently, it will be published here in due course.

Now there are just to many to do a really exhaustive survey so I’ve decided to omit all the special effect varieties, you know, the textured and the flavoured. They may be worth a post in their own right at some point in the future.

There is another type which I won’t include in the main survey but I thought I’d tell you about them now. Largely because it was the first time I’d ever tried them. These give you a tingling or warming sensation. I guessed they must be filled with the same types of herbs and oils that the respectable aromatherapy massage parlours use to sooth tired limbs all over Bangkok.

Now an old friend of mine, who sometimes hangs out at the Thermae Coffee shop and Bar, used to work in one of those parlours so I pocketed a packet of three and went off to look for her. She wasn’t hard to find. “Sawasdee ka, Khun Seymour.” She beamed. “Not see you long time.”
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There are some funny names in Thailand. Actually most of them are nicknames. They do have formal names, they are often chosen by a monk when the child is about 30 days old. These are usually long and cumbersome and only used for official documents.

In the meantime the doting parents bestow a nickname, usually the first thing they think of when they gaze upon their little bundle of joy. Noi, Nit and Lek are common. They all mean small … which is reasonable enough. Bum is cutely dimpled, Deng means red and Som means orange. Presumably that is how the wee bairns looked at birth.

I have met a frog (Gop), a several birds (Nok) and an alarming number of girls called Moo … which means pig. How that sneaks into the post-natal lexicon is beyond me.

Noi means little and kanya means girl but as you can see from the picture on the right our Noi Kanya is no little girl.

The word porn comes from the ancient Pali language and it really does mean beauty. I’d say Noi Kanya is definitely great Porn.

See also: The bargirl name game
See also: Rainy Season

Mature Asian women: Not shy and demure any more

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From the novel A killing Smile by Christopher Moore:

“Zeno, Headquarters, HQ, the Star Wars Bar on Sukhumvit. You can’t miss it. Fake Greek columns in front of a sign that reads Turkish Bath, Barber, Massage, Espresso Coffee Shop. Fritters fried in big pots of palm oil outside the entrance. Beggars, bar girls, diplomats, spies, writers, bums, ex-Nazis, merchants, gangsters, tourists drifting in and out, eating at makeshift sidewalk cafes beside food carts and stalls. Cuttlefish and lottery vendors working the crowds. Like you, they’re all looking for shamans and ghosts.”

The Greek pillars and the massage parlour have gone now, the original building was demolished. But within days of the original closing, in 1996, a new one opened just a few doors away. It is now in the basement of Ruamchitt Plaza, 199 Sukhumvit Road. Some of the surroundings have changed, since Moore’s description, but the overall atmosphere remains.

It first opened in the 60’s. Cheap beer and cheap women made it a popular hangout for GIs on R&R from Vietnam. It was one of a number of bars that included Thai Yanok, The Blue Fox and the Grace Hotel coffee shop. Thermae is the only one left.

Approaching from Nana it is on the left. You have to elbow your way through a forest of market stalls where package tourists from all over the world come to haggle for cheap trinkets and t-shirts. An illuminated yellow sign points out the steps down to Thermae from behind a barrier of motorbikes. Most tourists don’t see it, it’s not mentioned in the glossy brochures.

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Hold still a moment, I think you’ve got something in your eye

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“Hi Khun Seymour,” she beamed as she put the bottle in front of me. “How you?”

“I’m good, Em, and how are you?”

“I’m not Em, I’m Lek!” I was shell-shocked, I’ve known her for at least two years and I’d always thought her name was Em.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I thought you were Em.” She stuck her bottom lip out. “But if it will help make things better”, I continued, “go and get yourself a drink.” She beamed again and was gone.

Thai bargirls never get names muddled up. Even after an absence of a few years, if you bump into someone you knew back then, it’s quite probable she’ll still remember your name.

“Chogdee ka.” Said Lek, offering her glass of lemonade.

“Chogdee krap.” I replied clinking my beer bottle against it. “Where is An today?”

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Not the blushing bride or her beau but good decoration for the article anyway … and yes, they both have dicks!

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Following last weeks interview, Captain Outrageous e-mailed me this story. He gave me permission to run it in it’s entirety.

From Pattaya comes the story of a Thai man and a Thai ladyboy who got married earlier this month. The couple went through a traditional Thai ceremony in the home of the groom’s parents, in Sriracha, and amongst the guests present and adding legitimacy to the occasion was the local mayor.

To be honest, I’m not sure what the legal standing of such a union would be in Thailand. There is no law that allows same-sex marriages, but on the other hand there doesn’t appear to be a law prohibiting them either. I’m on shaky ground here, and the Thais themselves don’t appear to really know. I suspect that like so much else in Thailand the subject is vague in legal terms because no one has sought to bind it up with rules and regulations. The Thais don’t like to be regulated, and regard with considerable justification their strong Buddhist beliefs and devotion to the monarchy to be sufficient for their social behaviour.

What is apparent in following the wedding story, was that everyone seemed to think it was completely natural.

Bride Thanyatorn, who is nicknamed Lulu, wore a cream-coloured wedding dress. She is a waitress at a restaurant named Krau Bangpra Seafood, in the Bangpra district of Sriracha. Groom Somkiat is also a restaurant worker.

The couple had a three-year relationship before deciding to ask permission from their families for a traditional marriage. The groom gave 9,999 baht to the bride’s parents as dowry. About 100 guests turned up at the wedding ceremony and the evening reception, including the Bangpra mayor and a local city councilor. The couple will start their married life by living at the home of the groom’s parents.

Thai reporters who asked the couple about their relationship received only the kind of replies that a conventional bride and groom might give. It all came down to love and happiness, they said. Everything seemed so normal. The fact that the couple are of the same sex didn’t appear to phase anyone.

There are all kinds of lessons one can draw from this. That Buddhism teaches tolerance. That the Western concept of sin appears pretty wacky in other parts of the world. That love is love. That a stable family background is invaluable. That people really should be left to mind their own business without state or religious interference.

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I picked up some Viagra in Hong Kong. It’s easy enough to get in Bangkok but not all that cheap. In Hongkers it’s cheaper but there is, I’m told, a greater risk from fakes. “Taste it”, I was told “if it tastes bitter it’s the right stuff, if there is no taste it’s fake.

So this afternoon I cracked open a box, pushed one out of it’s blister pack and gingerly nibbled the corner. If you’ve ever tasted an aspirin you’ll know how bad these things can taste. I couldn’t taste a thing. I took a larger nibble, still nothing. Starting to feel rather peeved I threw the rest of the tablet in my mouth and crunched it up angrily … yeeeuch! it was disgusting.

Ten minutes later I was standing on the sky-train opposite a rather delicious looking shop girl. She didn’t know it but the tent pole in the trouser department was rock solid and demanding attention. I was desperately counting the stations to the Darling Massage Parlour, I was going to need a couple of their little brown fucking machines.

The lesson of this story is that if you chew up your viagra it gets into your dick much quicker. Just keep some fruit juice handy to get rid of the taste.

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Captain Outrageous is one of Asia’s leading ladyboy photographers. He has lived in the region for donkey’s years and has been involved in the ladyboy scene since long before the advent of the internet and digital cameras. We got together over a case of Beerlao and had a bit of a chat.

Captain, how many boob jobs do you think you’ve sponsored over the years?
Three and a half! In each case I have paid up for someone I cared about. In one case there was a distinct possibility that the ladyboy in question would have been passed A1 for drafting into the military. Up to 10 percent of 18-year-old Thai youths are selected each year for two years’ military service.

She was terrified at the possibility, and nearly fainted with happiness when I offered her the boob job. Extreme feminacy is about the only way out of being drafted ‘ the army isn’t big on troops with tits. The half, by the way, was for a ladyboy who only had 50 percent of the cost of the operation. I told her she would look silly with one tit, so I gave her the balance as a birthday present.

You’ve been involved in the ladyboy scene in Asia longer than most, long before there was any such thing as the internet. How did it begin for you?
I was a young journalist on my first ever trip to the Far East, to Singapore. I was with a small group of other people, and we were met at the airport and taken out for the night. We went to Newton Circus for some hawker food, and then one of the local people suggested a visit to Bugis Street. None of us had heard of the place or its reputation, but anywhere that sounded like Boogie Street had to be fun.

Old Bugis Street

We arrived and sat at a small table. The place was packed. I was tired, drunk and jet-lagged after the 14-hour flight. Probably the best state to be in to witness what came next, for at about midnight, out of the shadows and the sidestreets, came these gorgeous creatures. They looked to me like delicious oriental girls, and there seemed to be an endless number of them.

If there were women seated at the tables, they would pose for photographs. Where there were only men, they would sit down and whisper in your ear such dirty things! I had no interest in men, and in fact I was married. But I felt hot with excitement, the kind of rush you feel when you are an adolescent getting to know girls for the first time. I didn’t really understand what they were, but I knew that I desperately wanted to find out.
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