Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

Some years ago in Hong Kong I was walking back to the office after a liquid lunch with some colleagues. Along Pottinger Street there are a lot of fancy dress stalls. One of the girls in the group decided it was the perfect time to try on a a few coloured wigs and feather boas.

She was pretty enough but no more than average. In a pink wig however she sent shockwaves down my spine and I had to duck behind the George W Bush halloween masks to adjust my trousers.

Asian girls quite often put highlights in their hair, it’s very attractive. Once in a while you see one with their hair dyed blonde but this is quite rare. A shame because it’s really very sexy. Brightly coloured wigs are just visual viagra but outside of Japanese cosplay you never see Asian girls wearing them. Even in porn it is rare.

I’m all wet

Me, I’ve been off mountain biking in China. Pedaling furiously between mysterious pinnacles of limestone. Stopping occasionally to catch my breath as I round a gnarled and bushy karst to catch sight of emerald green rice fields and the sound of children’s laughter echoing of the rock.

Such wholesome pursuits provide me with a great deal of recreation plus little income but rural China is not a great place for getting your leg over. There’s no shortage of hot babes but unless you are the marrying kind they are firmly out of bounds.

Anyway I slunk back into Hong Kong with the intention of winging down to Bangkok pronto only to discover that the City of Angels is in danger of joining Atlantis on the bottom of the ocean. A few phone calls put my mind at ease. Yes, the bars are still serving and “Please come to Bangkok Khun Seymour, no have customer” they all wailed.

What with floods, red shirts, yellow shirts, avian flu and so on and so forth - it seems like every year something fucks up the peak tourist season. So if you had been planning a trip don’t cancel just because of t bit of water. The girls will be really pleased to see you.

There’s a lady I run into in sometimes. She lives in Pattaya where she runs a successful deck chair rental business but from time to time she gets the bus up to Bangkok. She leaves the deck chairs to her son and daughter in law and goes off to hook in Thermae on Sukhumvit Road. But why, I asked her. Deck chair business not so good?

“Deck chair good,” she asserted, “but I get lonely, want someone take care me.” I asked her about her husband but she replied in Thai with words that made her friends blush and then nod sagely. “No have husband.” she said finally.

She’s in her fifties, short and a bit dumpy but she has a quick and generous smile. She told me that she made a bit of money working Thermae. At least she didn’t have to pay and she only goes with guys she likes. “Sometimes I boom boom for free if he good man with good heart.” She put her hand on my chest and said; “I think you have good heart,” and all her friends laughed wildly.

She left before daybreak, “Go Pattaya now,” she whispered and let herself out. When I got up later I noticed she hadn’t taken the money I had put next to her handbag.

Read: Thermae: The last chance saloon

I get to spend such a small part of my time at my Bangkok bolthole. I love the place immensely but there’s no money to be made in Thailand so I only get to go there when I’m not doing other things. And in this day and age I find myself having to do a lot more other things just to make enough money to do nothing for a while.

But I digress. I went back for a well earned break and discovered that the convenience store downstairs had a hot new member of staff. I took my shopping to the checkout, gave her a 500 baht note and a little smile. Up close I wondered if she was even eighteen. She had spiky hair, a cute button nose and a small dragon tattoo under her left ear . Her mouth said “korp khun ka” (thank you) but her eyes said “for two pins I’d use you and abuse you and cast you aside like an old bus ticket.”

I felt like a piece of meat only useful for satisfying the carnal cravings of another. It was wonderful, I had to leave the store with my shopping in front so the Korean mother and her 5-year-old wouldn’t see the flag pole in my shorts.

Later that evening I told the tale to Captain Outrageous. The Captain is an old friend who lives close by. “Ah that would be Dow,” he said “I heard she was working over there.” You know her? I asked. “Yes, but I know her older sisters, or brothers if you like, a lot better. They are ladyboys, all the siblings in that family are…” I picked my jaw up from the bar “… and she’s actually 21 so you’ve no need to worry about her age.”

Interview with Captai Outrageous

Every once in a while I get an e-mail from some evangelical twit telling me what a nasty, disgusting and god-less person they think I am. The last one, from someone calling themselves “Guardian Angel”, suggested the usual trope that I was “..some fat, pissed-up old geezer that hangs out in the bars of Bangkok every night, preying on unwilling girls”.

This hurts me deeply. I am not fat, I work hard to keep in shape.

Actually I don’t drink that much either, though when I do I like a good skinful. After which I tend to fall asleep. But it is a good time for networking.

People like Guardian Angel seem to think that girls are lured from the countryside with the promise of high paying jobs only to find they have been tricked into prostitution. It always puzzles me that people who live half a world away, who have probably never even been to Thailand, always seem to be better informed than the Thais themselves.

Of course I don’t give a fuck what Guardian Angel thinks but they did remind me of the delicious Skin from Burning Angel. Enjoy

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The word banana comes from the African language wolof but probably arrived in the English via Portuguese or Spanish. Archaeological evidence suggests that they were first cultivated in Papua New Guinea as far back as 5,000 BCE. They come in a range of sizes and there are even purple/reddish coloured varieties.

Bananas are rich in potassium and the vitamins C and B6. These help in the building of muscles and protein synthesis. The potassium stimulates nerve impulses for muscle contraction. A diet rich in potassium can reduce the risk of hypertension and stroke. And since bananas are free from sodium they can also help reduce high blood pressure.

The vitamins C and B6 help the body to defend against and heal infections. They also help in the synthesis of antibodies in the immune system apart from red blood formation, protein metabolism and functioning of the central nervous system

No other fruit contain more digestible carbohydrates. This is good because, the body burns off calories from carbohydrate more easily and quickly than calories from fat or protein.

Tussinee loves bananas and I love watching her peel.

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