Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

This is Xuan-Vy, she’s Vietnamese and she wants to tell you where you can stick your Christmas pudding!

Call me Scrooge but I don’t like Christmas. Oh I’m all for peace on earth and goodwill to all mankind, you never see any of that though. You get shopping malls engorged with even more crap than usual playing background music that makes you want to punch people.

The best thing about Christmas is girls wearing Santa hats. It makes me want to fuck them. Of course I’d probably still want to fuck them even if they weren’t wearing Santa hats.

I’m all wet

Me, I’ve been off mountain biking in China. Pedaling furiously between mysterious pinnacles of limestone. Stopping occasionally to catch my breath as I round a gnarled and bushy karst to catch sight of emerald green rice fields and the sound of children’s laughter echoing of the rock.

Such wholesome pursuits provide me with a great deal of recreation plus little income but rural China is not a great place for getting your leg over. There’s no shortage of hot babes but unless you are the marrying kind they are firmly out of bounds.

Anyway I slunk back into Hong Kong with the intention of winging down to Bangkok pronto only to discover that the City of Angels is in danger of joining Atlantis on the bottom of the ocean. A few phone calls put my mind at ease. Yes, the bars are still serving and “Please come to Bangkok Khun Seymour, no have customer” they all wailed.

What with floods, red shirts, yellow shirts, avian flu and so on and so forth - it seems like every year something fucks up the peak tourist season. So if you had been planning a trip don’t cancel just because of t bit of water. The girls will be really pleased to see you.

There’s something about cleavages. They are like a visual vortex, a fleshy whirlpool into which you’re eyes get sucked. There is no escape. Even if you have no sexual interest in the owner of a particular cleavage if she is exposing it you will be compelled to gaze into it as if the whole meaning of life is contained therein.

Silvio Berlusconi may prefer girls a fraction of his age and regard Angela Merkel as unfuckable but if the latter turned up to an important Euro-meeting in a low cut top he would have to look, he wouldn’t be able to help himself.

A smooth well rounded cleavage is like a welcome sign, and a promise of more treasures within. It’s often said that the sign of a good painting, like the Mona Lisa, is when the eyes follow you around the room. That is also the sign of a good cleavage, when your eyes follow it around the room.

I was reminded of this the other morning when I met a client for coffee. She has a good cleavage and she knows how to use it. Eyes were following it all around Starbucks.

ps. These models also have smooth shaved pussies

I’ve been up to my bollocks in it recently. I don’t usually like to stay in one place for too long but sometimes the work demands it and in the current economic climate you take what’s on offer.

I was having lunch with a colleague the other day, really nice bloke but a bit of a know-it-all sometimes. “If you really want to make money,” he said, “get into porn!”

I nearly choked on my noodles. I made the cursory joke about not having very big tits but he was not to be sidetracked. “You’re good with a camera and you live out there surrounded by bargirls half your life … you’re crazy if you don’t, it’s a gold mine,” he insisted.

He told me I should shoot Japanese girls as they were the hottest, especially the air hostesses he occasionally encountered through work. But he did acknowledge that it would probably require quite a substantial investment to a get a camera into their knickers.

I asked him what sites he’d recommend joining. “Joining?” it was his turn to choke on his noodles, “you’d be mad to pay for porn” he spluttered, “there’s so much free stuff around!”

Brian, it’s people like you that stop me getting into the porn industry.

More shaved Japanese pussy

Farewell Poly you were just fucking awesome and you made braces sexy long before anyone else had them.

Poly Styrene aka Marianne Joan Elliott-Said, 3 July 1957 – 25 April 2011