Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

A French court has banned the use of the name ‘The Original Condom from Condom, France’. According to AFP the judges ruling states “It is clear that the use of the name, the image and the renown of the town of Condom, without its knowledge, for entirely commercial ends (is) manifestly illicit.”

The condoms in question are produced by royal descendant Charles-Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme and count Gil de Bizemont. But while their company is headquartered in Condom, the luxury, eco-friendly shagging-bags themselves are made in Malaysia and sold mostly to the US.

The condoms are sold via the companies website but are not available in Condom itself or anywhere else in France.

Website: The Original Condom
See also: Fit for a King
See also: Condom Wars

Just in time for Valentines Day some killjoys in Clearwater Bay, Hong Kong have put up a sign in the local lovers lane intended to stop folks driving down there for a quick shag, according to yesterdays South China Morning Post. For those who may be unfamiliar, ‘Dogging’ is having sex in public, probably with a complete stranger and probably while other complete strangers may be watching. In this case dead ones.

This particular lovers lane happens to be next to an ancestral graveyard. According to the English language newspaper the Chinese text reads; “In front of the ancestral tombs, don’t mess around. Ghosts and gods are witnesses to what is happening. You will be responsible for the consequences.”

Presumably the sound of rattling axles disturbs their slumbers. Personally I think the ancestors would be glad of the entertainment, it can’t be much fun being a pile of ashes in a cold urn.

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If one wishes to live like a king but one is not born with the financial resources to do so, it is gratifying to know that at least one can now fuck like a king. To facilitate this one need only invest five British pounds in a packet of three Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction. Launched to commorate the betrothal of Prince William of Wales to Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.

“Combining the strength of a prince,”reads the box, “with the sensitivity of a princess-to-be, Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction promise a royal union of pleasure and style”

According to the website Crown Jewels uses “…only the finest lubricatory preparation with each condom individually wrapped for your pleasure and convenience…” Elsewhere it says “… Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction is dedicated to furnishing the best English prophylactics to discerning clientele across the world.”

They do look very regal in their nice puple box with gold lettering and a picture Willy and Kate making sheeps eyes at each other. Problem is they don’t work. A disclaimer on the site reads “Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”

I suppose if you’re the future king one doesn’t have to worry about that sort of thing. One might have to do spot of public billing and cooing for the press rabble but one has a valet to do the messy stuff.

Peter parrot pokes Polly and then, at around the 40 second mark, hops off and does a lap of honour around the cage to celebrate. It is this bit that makes the film worth its weight in gold. Meanwhile Polly pimps her feathers and clearly doesn’t respect him afterwards. It’s a good film, educational, if know what I mean. David Attenborough would be proud.

See also: Elephant porn

I want to hold your baton

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Nurse Cathrine Ashima wants to become a police officer. She passed all the medical and fitness tests but Norway’s finest rejected her because; ‘the applicant was not found suitable on the basis of the following: Work motivation, understanding about the role of the police and a lack of general knowledge.’

She says it’s because of her part-time job of nude model; ‘During the interview one of the women on the board held up some nude pictures of me and started waving them in my face. I think it’s too bad that someone in the police thinks I am unfit to be a police officer because of my great body.’

Meanwhile in Poland pop singer Katarzyna Szczolek is hoping her implants will help her get elected for office in her local authority in Warsaw, later this month. “Beautiful, independent, and competent,” reads the slogan. She’s also quite adept at kissing female friends on stage.

Still, I don’t suppose it’s any more potty than retarded MILFs and witches standing for election in other ‘democracies’.