Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

Hi, I have a gorgeous pussy

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Noi and the gang are overjoyed. I’d just snuck into Bangkok and was supposed to be snucking out again but the the occupation of the airport by anti-government protesters has put the kibosh on that. “Now you stay Bangkok long time, we save you from angy mop!” and they all raise their tequilas and drink to my health … at my expense of course.

Not that the “angy mop” is particularly interested in me. They are are angry at the government and are probably quite happy for me to sit here buying tequilas for the ladies.

Those tequilas cost me B145 each (B = Thai baht) out of which the girls will get B50. I asked Kai how many drinks she can make in an evening. “Maybe five” she said. I almost choked on my beer. I’ve known Kai for several years, she’s a real hottie and she knows how to work the crowd. Further more she had already hornswoggled three out of me in the hour that I’d been sitting there.

So I asked Som. Som has a smile that is as broad as she is tall and pursing her lips requires supreme effort. She tried but after a few seconds burst into giggles; “Many many, I get dunk last night.” she said throwing her arms around my neck and pressing her tight little body against me. About five? I suggested. “Sometimes five sometimes ten,” she confirmed.

Som is a dancer. She dances topless with only a very short skirt. For this she earns B12,000 per month. The dancers aren’t forced to be revealing they just get paid more if they do. Most of them do.

Soi Cowboy

Kai and Noi don’t dance they deliver the beers to customers. They earn B4,000 per month but I suspect they get a lot more drinks than the dancers. Certainly from me they do. When they don’t have beers to carry they, and several others, gravitate back to where I’m sitting. We chat, exchange little massages and back rubs and they like to help me choose company for the evening. Although I could quiet easily, and often do, choose one of them.

I “pay bar” for Ton. Paying the bar releases the girl from her contract of employment for the evening. It costs me B600. As far as the bar is concerned you may then take her to the movies or to dinner. What happens after the bar has been paid is not the bars concern.

Of course movies and dinner rarely enter into the equation. I’ve known Ton for a year or so she has a delicate Tahitian motif tramp-stamp at the base of her spine which hi-lights the curve of her hips and delicious bum wonderfully. She has a slender neck and gorgeous brown back. Doggie style is very much on the cards

Afterwards I will give her a thank you gift. This will vary depending on how long she stays but is never less than B2,000 which, from what I can gather, is standard. If she stays over till morning I’ll give her B3,000 plus I’ll also make sure she has an adequate breakfast/lunch.

None of the girls like talking about how many times a customer pays bar for them. I do know that popular girls such as Ton can be hard to find if you go too late in the evening. I asked Noi if she thought three times a week was about average. “Yeah maybe,” she said “some girls more”.

So a beer girl who works 20 days per month (and they usually work much more) can probably add about B5,000 in drinks to her B4,000 basic. If only one customer per week pays bar for her she can add another B8,000. Tips are shared out evenly amongst all the girls. It would seem perfectly reasonable for a bargirl to expect an income of at least B20,000 per month. Popular girls such as Kai, Ton and Som could easily pocket B45,000.

By western standards that’s not big money but in Bangkok the average shop worker earns no more than B8,000 and even a graduate or office employee would be lucky to pull more than B15,000 per month.

Beautiful Nepalese women

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It’s perishing cold in Kathmandu. There are also frequent power-cuts. Not that it matters all that much. None of the tourist class hotels that I’ve stayed in have heating anyway and the water in the shower, even when the power is on, is usually little more than tepid.

I don’t do cold very well. It makes me miserable, my bollocks scrunch up into tight walnuts and it cools the libido … a little.

But it is high season in Nepal and the narrow lanes of Thamel, the tourist district, are throbbing with taxi touts and tiger balm vendors. People selling everything from jewellery and huge Ghurka knives to hashish. They weave through traffic jams that are made more alarming by the fact that they consist entirely of small cars and bikes. Larger vehicles just don’t fit!

Nearly every bookstore and music shop is playing the same Tibetan chant CD and if there is anything more distressing than the traffic it is to suddenly find walking along with the phrase “hum bali bum bum bum” stuck in your head.

But is is high season and I’m glad to be here again. Back in March I’d visited the few ‘dance bars’ that I could find. They had all been curious but rather tame affairs with no chance of snaring a Himalayan hottie to help me warm the frigid sheets.

This time is a little different. The dance bars are more numerous and more visible. There is also a greater enthusiasm amongst the girls that work in them.

Though the actual dancing is still fully clothed and fifty percent male it seems clear that, with more opening up, they are having to offer a broader range and better services in order to compete.

I visited one called Striptease. There wasn’t any of course that’s just the name of the bar. It’s a large cavernous place with a huge stage upon which a lone dancer gyrated in a white miniskirt and blouse. Lights flashed, Indian pop music wailed and four pairs of hands enthusiastically lead me to a table, beers and juices were ordered and we got down to the serious business of bar talk.

“What’s your name?, “Where you come from?”, and “How long you stay?” are all questions that I have considerable experience in dealing with and, despite the impassioned wailing of the Hindi-pop vocalist who was doing her best to quench conversation, I was able to answer adequately. “You want my penis explode in my ear?” threw me a little bit. Your penis? I said “My penis!” she confirmed and just to make herself perfectly clear she reached down and grabbed mine.

Not satisfied with what she found she let go, pulled my arm up around her shoulder and guided my hand down the front of her sweater. After making sure I had a good handful she checked ‘her’ penis again but I already knew she’d be pleased with developments.

Kathmandu closes early and Striptease is no exception, though there are some bars that stay open later. We left shortly after eleven o’clock. My last concern was getting her past security and into the hotel but security was already cocooned in a blanket and dreaming of pleasant things.

See also: Kathmandu revisited

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The Safari Bar in Bangkok’s Patpong Road is one of the few bars that has kept its name over the years. I like the Safari bar. I like the name. The idea of being on a kind of sex safari appeals to someone as twisted as myself.

Of course sitting in the Safari isn’t so much like bagging wild game in the bush, it’s more like shooting ducks in a tub. But who cares when you have a cold beer in one hand and a hot babe, who just happens to be trying to shove her tits in your ear while grabbing you cock, in the other.

I was in the Safari the other night. High season in the year of the credit crunch doesn’t appear to be all that high and there just aren’t enough customers to go around. Oh goody!

The girl was actually behind pressing her tits into my back, I had my left elbow on the stage where another girl was dancing. The girl on the stage was a real corker, I’d forgotten what the one behind me looked like but I knew she was alright - and she was squeezing my dick.

She also caught the dancers attention and beckoned her to dance a little closer so she could show her the stiffy which was clearly visible through the fabric of my trousers. She danced closer then squatted down so that her pussy was just millimetres from my face and hidden only by a thin piece of cloth. I stuck my tongue out but she didn’t come any closer. I reached out and touched, I could feel her smooth pussy through the material. She giggled jumped up and was gone.

I swivelled on my stool and glanced around the bar but within a moment the dancer was in front of me. She put her hands on the back of my neck and pushed my face into her tits. They weren’t big but they they were firm. I pulled her bikini top aside and liked her nipple, it was small and hard. The girl behind was still squeezing my dick.

I motioned for another round of drinks and when she came back we went into sandwich mode with me crunching my credit into her bumcrack. Short of a dick to hold the first girl stretched her arms around both of us and massaged the dancers boobs

Well I was either going to cum in my pants or I had to get them home so I could cum into them. They both seemed happy with the idea of a threesome so I paid the bill we all piled into a taxi.

It turned out they were a bisexual couple who enjoyed working a a pair and I got quite used to them playing with each other while I went off to make the tea. “Who’s the hottest?”, they’d ask when I came back. And of course I had to dip it in both of them to check!

See also: Bar snacks in bangkok
See also: Little Brown Fucking Machines

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?”

“It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker.

“$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

“$1,500″ says the hooker

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

See also: More fun and jokes

This is not Nurse Trudi, the Vicar or the potato. This is a Japanese schoolgirl with a shaved pussy. Click to see it!

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“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table,” said A&E nurse Trudi Watson. The potato that had the misfortune to be on the table at the time had to be surgically removed from the vicars butt-hole at Sheffield’s Northern General Hospital.

The clergyman who is in his 50s insisted that the accident was not due to a sex game.

Of course not Vicar, whoever could think such a thing?

Read: Full story
More: Japanese shaved pussy
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