Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

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I’ve been working on a review of popular condoms recently, it will be published here in due course.

Now there are just to many to do a really exhaustive survey so I’ve decided to omit all the special effect varieties, you know, the textured and the flavoured. They may be worth a post in their own right at some point in the future.

There is another type which I won’t include in the main survey but I thought I’d tell you about them now. Largely because it was the first time I’d ever tried them. These give you a tingling or warming sensation. I guessed they must be filled with the same types of herbs and oils that the respectable aromatherapy massage parlours use to sooth tired limbs all over Bangkok.

Now an old friend of mine, who sometimes hangs out at the Thermae Coffee shop and Bar, used to work in one of those parlours so I pocketed a packet of three and went off to look for her. She wasn’t hard to find. “Sawasdee ka, Khun Seymour.” She beamed. “Not see you long time.”

I told that it had been way too long and that I had, in fact, come specially to find her. “You come look me?” she said. I did indeed, I replied. I have some new condoms I want to try and you are the perfect person to help.

In the taxi on the way back I explained that they contained special oils like the ones she used to use for massaging feet. She looked at me with the raised eyebrows of utter disbelief and then howled with laughter. “K- k-ka ….” she stammered. Excuse me? I said “K-k-ka … ” she tried again before losing it to another peel of laughter.

“Kaaaa-NOT!” she finally exclaimed, with a great deal of emphasis on the latter syllable and slapping her thigh lest I should be left in any doubt. She then buried her face in my shoulder and tried not to laugh for the rest of the journey. And I might add that she failed miserably.

By the time we got to the bedroom she had calmed down a bit. Her own curiosity had got the better of her and she wanted to see what was in these condoms. She is an excellent masseuse and gave my whole body a good working over before getting to the naughty bits.

“You sure?” she asked opening the condom. I nodded. She pulled it out of the wrapper and held it up to the light, looking at it with a cute wrinkled nose. She sniffed it and said something in Thai that was beyond my comprehension. “Sorry I don’t know English name” she said.

Normally she would unroll the condom with her mouth simultaneously giving a blow-job, this time she didn’t. I started feeling a sensation almost immediately not unpleasant and not like the Vick’s Vapour Rub I had been half expecting. Warm but not Deep Heat.

She massaged my dick for a while, I was enjoying the hand-job but I couldn’t see how it might improve or enhance an actual fuck. And I wasn’t to find out either because she yanked the thing off and made it quite clear that I wasn’t putting it anywhere near her pussy. Upon which she frog-marched me to the bathroom and made sure all hands and dick were thoroughly scrubbed before taking advantage of me in the shower.

You don’t like them then? I asked afterwards. “Good for feet” she said. “Maybe good for you but I no like.” I tend to agree. They could have some mileage as a masturbation aid but if I’m having sex with a woman I want to enjoy her not the condom.

See also: Thermae, Bangkok: The last chance saloon
See also: A little bit of soap