Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

November 9th - Diwali falls on the day of ‘Amavasyaa’ when the moon does not rise and there is darkness all around.

Light is the symbol of hope and positive things. It indicates the victory of good over evil. In India prople fill their homes and hearts with light. By spreading light in every corner of our premises we try to destroy the reign of darkness on the night of diwali.

When radiant Asha Kumara smiles she spreads light into all corners of my premises and makes certain significant corners absolutely tingle.

According to Hindu reckoning, the date of Diwali falls on 15th day of the dark fortnight in the month of Kartik (October/November in the Gregorian calendar). There will be fireworks in India tonight but a night with Asha Kumara and her sweet Indian pussy would be positively explosive!

Because Seymour Totti is such a very gallant gent he frequently gets distressed damsels tugging at his belt buckle and wanting advice on how to handle their husbands in a whole range of situations. Here he calms their nerves and answers a few:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourselves while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal and he’s simply too exhausted to remain awake for very long periods of time.

“Seventy dollah - la”, she said.

“Seventy dollars and you love me long time?”, I queried.

“No la, seventy dollah I fuck you and go home. You want all night pay more money la.” The Singaporeans can be so business like at times. Except she wasn’t Singaporean. I’m not sure where she was from, she wouldn’t say. She wasn’t into idle banter of any kind really, she just wanted to know if the deal had been struck. I nodded the affirmative.

Most people think Singapore is an uptight and no fun kind of place. In some ways it is, even chewing gum is illegal, but It’s the only place I know where you can hop into a taxi and say something like “Take me to the Four Floors of Whores please, driver”. And he’ll take you there without batting an eyelid.

We’d just left and come back to my hotel. She stripped off and stepped into the shower, her body was small and firm. She beckoned me to join her. Our soapy bodies slithered together as we washed each other. “Mongolia?”, I guessed. I thought I caught a glimmer of a smile but she squeezed my dick and put a soapy hand over my mouth. Then she dropped to her knees and put my dick in her mouth.

She had a mouthfull of hot water and I thought I was going to come right away but she wouldn’t let me. We dried and continued on the bed, wriggling beneath me, bending in front of me and straddling me. Several times she brought me almost to climax but she made me wait each time untill finally I could hold it no longer and I just exploded. I believe she did too.

We held each other tight and dozed off for half an hour. Then we had another quickie and she was ready to leave. “See, I give you good service la, but I go now.” It was about the first thing she said since we’d left the four floors.

Don’t forget to check out my porn collections at Asian Floozie

The new double decker Airbus A380 is now winging passengers between Singapore and Sydney. For those with the inclination and enough cash to spare there are super first class cabins complete with double bed, a telly, champers and a liberal sprinkling of pink rose petals. But sex is not allowed.

According to Stephen Forshaw, an official at Singapore airlines “There are things that are acceptable on an aircraft and things that aren’t, and the rules for behaviour in our double beds are the same ones that apply throughout the aircraft.”

What a prude, eh? You’d think that with a ticket price of over US$20,000 for a private room you’d at least be allowed to have a shag but Forshaw goes on to say; “If couples used our double beds to engage in inappropriate activity, we would politely ask them to desist.”

Or what?, he’ll throw them off the plane? But how would they know? Are the trolly dollies instructed to stick their heads round the door every fifteen minutes to check?

“Hey, are you two fucking?”

“Er, no miss, we just having a good night hug”

“Alright so lift the covers up let me see”

I tend to think it’s inappropriate too, in so far as getting into the mile high club is concerned. Let’s face it, anyone can get their end away in a private suite but the real fun is squeezing it in on row 39, seats D and E and waiting for turbulence. Now that is kudos that money can’t buy.